Countdown to Baby — Part 1

A week or so ago when I signed off my last post with “see y’all on the other side!” I was saying it like so because I sort of believed this baby would be joining us….like….imminently. I didn’t have any reason to believe that; it was just wishful thinking, a type of thought that could be described in some quarters and medical communities as “delusional.”

Up until yesterday I was convinced we would have a Halloween baby, a delusion made possible by doctors’ false promises, Google’s vast network of misinformation and my own total ignorance about how pregnant bodies work, but instead of celebrating our sweet Halloween treat, we totally fell for the whole “yeah, sure, your baby will come when it’s due” trick. At our doctor’s appointment yesterday, the old, wise, dude doctor – who we were seeing for the first time at the behest of our primary obstetrician who suggested getting to know as many of the doctors in the practice as possible since there is no way to know who will be on call when I actually go into labor – basically laughed at me.

“No, no, no…” he cackled, “this baby is not coming aaaaaaaaanytime soon.”

He went on to describe my “unfavorable cervix,” at which point I stopped paying attention and started choking back tears. I just didn’t think it was very nice of that dude doctor to inspect and stamp my parts as unsatisfactory without even considering my pregnant lady feelings. Randy asked all the questions I would have wanted to ask if I wasn’t busy feeling sorry for myself, and a few short minutes later we were out of there, baby still in utero, feelings hurt, and me laying it on thick to Randy that this terrible buzzkill very obviously warranted a milkshake. STAT.

We also spent a few minutes adjusting our thinking from “delusional” to “begrudgingly practical” and began to think of ways to pass the time, which is pretty much the only thing we have control over right now. We’ve likely got one week left, maybe two, until I graduate from unfavorable to favorable conditions for birthing this giant baby, so we’ve got a lot of hours to fill.

And we are open to suggestions! Because so far our list includes binge-watching Netflix and voting in the midterms. So. You know. Mama’s going to need more to go on than that. How do you think we should pass the last interminable hours of this never-ending elephant pregnancy? I will post your suggestions along with pictures of us attempting to do some of them every day until this baby gets its act together, ie, all suggestions welcome, but no guarantees I will do any of them.

In the meantime, this is me rocking out to the Phish from Vermont this past week when I was still suffering from the totally wrong belief that baby could come any day now and was hedging my bets on a sweet Mike Gordon bass beat coaxing out our boogying offspring. No dice. Major fail, Mike Gordon.


5 thoughts on “Countdown to Baby — Part 1

  1. the list of things to do prior to having a child outside of your belly?

    wander the grocery store & stock up on wine, snacks able to be eaten with one hand for middle of the night when you’ll be starving, take more pictures of the gigantic belly, tell people it’s past your due date & watch them freak out, go to the bathroom or shower or honestly do anything alone, do not read pregnancy blogs, advice or books, repack your hospital bag 700 times, cook a couple meals to freeze for after baby, attempt sleep.

    that’s all i’ve got. best to you both. you’re going to rock parenthood.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What to do???? A few suggestions….
    A massage. Especially the feet.
    Make cookies. (This is for Randy; Julie’s job is to eat them.)
    Make popcorn. (This is for Randy after Julie has eaten all the cookies.)
    Post more on your blog.
    Have you already washed all the baby clothes? And the sheets and blankets?
    And last, but not least, but maybe first….
    The nasty. (Please do not post pictures of this.)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I would LOVE for you to do things like:
    – go to a bar and order a shot of tequila with a beer chaser
    – go to Starbucks and order a latte with 2 extra shots
    and when people start saying “wait, uh, I don’t think I can give you that because you’re pregnant,” you start sobbing uncontrollably, wailing “BUT I’M NOT PREGNANT! WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT!?”

    And video tape it all.


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